You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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