oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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