Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
