How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
