it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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