Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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