And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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