Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize