Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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