I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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