I accidentally had phone sex last night
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
