I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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