If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
