How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
