Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
