i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
