he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
