i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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