this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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