When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
