The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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