Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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