woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
