So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
