i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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