I'm gonna have a badass scar
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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