There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
