I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
