I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
