I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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