thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
