he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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