He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
