I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
