my vag is so smooth its legendary
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
