I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
