My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
