after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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