It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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