i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I think your dad took our porno
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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