well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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