Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
that's an acceptable place to lick
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
