At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Boobs are out for the taking
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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