How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I cannot find my penis.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
