How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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