woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
