how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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