Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
