I skipped work to stalk him.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize