I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
