the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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