You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
