i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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