fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
