Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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