It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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