When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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