Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
