I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
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