I think I won the penis lottery.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
