I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
