My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
