Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i wish my penis had a tongue
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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