I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
